Desi Talk

www.desitalk.com – that’s all you need to know 18 LIFESTYLE September 5, 2025 Divorced Desi Woman Worries About Talking About Her Dating Life My Partner Ignored A Friend’s Racist Joke. Is Our Relationship Toast? D ear Sahaj: As a divorced woman dating in my late 40s, how do I show up authentically when desi family and friends ask about it? This is a no-brainer when I speak to my non-desi friends here. …How- ever, the thought, “What will people say” hounds me at other times. – Divorced Divorced: I wrote a book called “But WhatWill People Say?” for a reason. I understand the implications of cultural judgment and how damning it can be. You are in control of how much you disclose to family and friends. Showing up authentically doesn’t mean overshar- ing; it means being rooted in your truth even if you choose to share less. This might look like having a short, confident response ready, changing the subject without apology or only opening up to those who respond with curiosity, not criticism. You can even find creative ways to neutralize the conversation. You can be playful (“If they’re talking about me, at least I’m keeping the community enter- tained.”) or matter-of-fact (“I’m dating and getting to know new people.”) or you can be curious (“Why do you think it surprises people when women date after divorce?”). You don’t owe anyone an explana- tion or justification for your relationship choices. It’s tempting to keep modifying your story for acceptance, but every time you do, you subtly teach yourself that their approval matters more than your truth. Instead of playing this defensively, frame the narrative in ways that honor your path and allow you to feel owner- ship of your journey. This may sound like: “This stage has been freeing. I’mmaking choices that feel right for me.” Or even: “I’m figuring out what I want in partner- ship and life. It’s been empowering.” This will also let you stand firm if someone pushes by saying, “I appreciate your con- cern, but I’m happy with my choices.” In some cases, authenticity doesn’t mean transparency. You’re entitled to your privacy, so explore what it means for you to answer questions in a way that’s honest and self-protective, without molding yourself to their comfort or out of fear of “log kya kahenge.” Dear Sahaj: My parents are immigrants from Hong Kong and can be toxic when it comes to how I feed my family. I am a mom to a rising second grader and would like our entire family to be more plant- forward. My son likes my vegetarian- leaning meals. However, my parents constantly pester me and tell me that he isn’t “get- ting enough nutrition” from legumes like lentils and chickpeas. Or even tofu. Why? Because growing children need to have balanced meals. I constantly remind them that Buddhists are vegan and man- age to live full, healthy lives. They, on the other hand, believe that Buddhists are just “built differently.” Sorry? They’re normal humans, just like me? It’s not that they’re UNFAMILIAR with cuisines outside Cantonese and other Chinese food – I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s and was eating my fair share of North American things. It’s just that there’s not enough meat. - Plant Forward Plant Forward: What you’re dealing with isn’t really about lentils, tofu or even nutrition. Rather, it’s about deep-rooted generational beliefs. It sounds like your parents may as- sociate meat with status, strength or abundance in some way. It’s also possible they feel like you are challenging their parenting approach that is rooted in a food-as-love culture. It may not be ratio- nal, but that’s why finding a way to build a bridge rather than screaming at each other on different sides of the issue may be an important approach. You want to use language that connects your shared values. This may sound like: “I agree that he needs a balanced meal! That’s why I make sure he has a variety, like grains, vegetables, fruit, beans and nuts.” You may consider acknowledging their concern so they feel heard and then of- fering simple, relatable reassurance. For example, if they are constantly focusing on “nutrition,” use this as a way to edu- cate and address their fears. This might sound like, “You keep saying he’s not getting nutrition, but what is it you are actually worried about?” They may say something about his growth or strength, and you can educate and reassure: “Len- tils have iron just like beef.” Or: “These foods give him strength. Tofu and beans have the same building blocks as meat, just like how fish and pork are different but still make you strong.” Maybe there’s also a way to have your parents be involved in the food prepara- tion by having them help make the len- tils, so you can show them how you add flavor to it or asking them to make the soup your kid loves together – but with tofu instead of pork. You may even share with them how the pediatrician is report- ing on your son’s growth and strength to help calm their nerves. And if they keep circling back, prepare a statement you can repeat to hold your boundary. This may sound like: “I know you care, and I appreciate that. I’m not changing this approach right now.” -TheWashington Post Q : Every year, my partner’s family goes on vacation to a location that’s extremelyWhite – I’m talking like 5 people of color per 100 people. Oftentimes, as the only POC, the beach town can feel isolating because every- one already knows each other, knows the same people, grew up in the same area and has similar upbringings (upper-middle class, White and from the Northeast). When we go out to town, I’ve heard people say wildly racist things in public. And recently, someone close to my partner made a joke that was clearly derogatory to- ward South Asians. As the only South Asian in the group, I immediately clocked it, but my partner didn’t even bother to call this family friend out on it or correct him. I’ve expressed my dismay to my partner about it and am worried that if we end up having children together, they’ll feel the same way I do when we go on vacation to this location: isolated and alone. I am interested in raising my children in a diverse area with other South Asians, so they can be exposed to my culture and interact with people of similar back- grounds. My partner, however, would prefer to live near his parents and family – a place where there are few POC in general. At the beginning of our relationship, my partner seemed accepting of my culture and was open to trying the food, watching Bollywood mov- ies together and asking questions. Now, I feel as if he’s done a 180 and isn’t receptive to the possibility of even having children with ‘ethnic’ names or raising them in a diverse area. I’ve told him I am happy to attend his yearly vacations sometimes but that I need to assert my boundaries, possibly going every other year instead. He sees this as a rejection of his own culture. However, I do regularly see both his parents, siblings and friends outside of these vacations and maintain good relation- ships with them. Is there a way to compromise on these fundamental issues, or is this relationship toast? –Wishing for the Best, Preparing for theWorst A: This is not just about vacations or where to live. This is about whether your partner can stand with you in difficult moments, respect your cultural needs and identity, or see the impact on your future family. He is minimizing racism by not speaking up or acknowledg- ing your discomfort; this will inevitably create a deep rupture in your relationship, if it hasn’t already. If he sees your boundary-setting as a personal rejection, it suggests he hasn’t fully reckoned with the racial and cultural dynamics you’re naming. That’s not some- thing that goes away on its own. What you are feeling right now is enough to bring up a larger, more serious conversation. One around his own willingness to put in the work to understand and educate himself on these dynamics, as well as his role within them. Simply put: Your partner has privilege – and therefore, influence and power – in ways you don’t. If he’s not willing to confront that, and use it, then how can you confidently feel safe in the relationship? Even more, the way I see it, also as a South Asian partnered to aWhite man, your future kids are going to be raised in a society that reflects your partner’s cultural values and norms – by default. So being intentional about how and where your kids get to see and engage in our cultural values and norms is not just a “nice to have” … it’s necessary and important. Be very direct with your partner about this: “For me, it’s nonnegotiable that our kids are raised in a diverse community and exposed to my culture through (name specific traditions or factors). Can you see yourself fully on board with that?” Your relationship is probably “toast” if he continues to dismiss racism, if he refuses to engage when you’re hurt or if he’s unwilling to raise kids in a way that honors both your cultures. It makes sense that giving your children a name that honors your history and cultural background is important to you. I’m curious to whom these names are considered “ethnic.” This might seem innocuous, but that word choice alone centersWhiteness and is a part of the problem. Partner- ship requires both people to sometimes go beyond their comfort zones. If you feel like you’re constantly com- promising on core values while he interprets your needs as rejection or unimportant, can that be a fulfilling relationship for you long-term? Being with someone of another culture or back- ground should be an expansive experience, not a restric- tive one. If you are the only person stretching, your resentment will only continue to grow… and that is not sustainable. One activity you can do together is take some time to each write out what’s nonnegotiable about family, culture and raising children. Then come together and compare the list. Is there overlap? Is there enough room to build a life together? Of course intertwining your lives will require compro- mise, but please don’t mistake compromise for sacrifice. It’s only a compromise if both of you are willing to meet in the middle somewhere. Giving something up while your boundaries are being dismissed is a sacrifice. There are some things – such as safety and belonging – that cannot and should not be up for negotiation in a rela- tionship. In a world that is already unkind, othering and dis- criminatory to people with marginalized identities like you, you truly deserve intimate relationships that are soft, safe, affirming and inclusive. -TheWashington Post By Sahaj Kaur Kohli