Desi Talk

www.desitalk.com – that’s all you need to know 18 LIFESTYLE January 16, 2026 Ask Sahaj: My Ex ‘Brainwashed’ Our Girls To Back His Lawsuit Against Me D ear Sahaj: I am an Indian woman who got di- vorced three years ago. My daughters are 22 and 28. My ex-husband brought a lawsuit against me in 2025 to cut off my spousal support. We were married for over 30 years. I primarily raised the kids and worked part-time. As part of the suit, he brainwashed my girls into writ- ing declarations for the court expressing their support for their dad. This was the biggest betrayal and shock of my life. I didn’t speak to my kids for four months but decided to forgive them, and things have been better. Still, it is very clear to me that since the divorce, they do not respect me or appreciate me for all I did for them as a mother. And yes, I was super mom! I go out of my way to be supportive and loving, but it always feels like the relationship is forced and they love me only because they think they “should” love their mom, not for who I am. How can I improve my relationship with them? I hurt inside all the time and often wish I had never had kids. - X Mom X Mom: Between the divorce, legal battle and lack of support from your daughters, of course you feel betrayed. That’s a lot for one person to bear. We won’t know what your daughters have experienced or felt and why they did what they did. They could have been trying to survive emotional pressure or a fear of abandonment. They could believe you didn’t do enough. We don’t know. But I would encourage you not to fill in the blanks for them. It may be worth asking with curiosity and without judgment. This may sound like: “I realize I’ve been making assumptions about what the divorce and legal battle after was like for both of you. I’d like to hear it from you, if you’re open to sharing.” What do you most wish your daughters understood about you that they don’t seem to see right now?What would their “respect” and “appreciating” you actually look like in practice?When those longings remain vague, they often turn into chronic disappointment or self- blame. When they are named clearly, you can begin to decide which parts are reasonable to express and which parts require mourning rather than waiting. The dynamic with your daughters may feel forced right now because you are overfunctioning. The relationship needs to be rebuilt, and that will require patience and time. When you “go out of your way,” you may actually be creating more pressure and obligatory connection rather than genuine intimacy. This means accepting a painful truth: Your daughters may not yet have the emotional distance or perspective to fully see what you carried for them, and that recognition may come much later or not in the way you imagined. Even if you have chosen to forgive your daughters, for- giveness does not automatically restore closeness or re- spect. In many South Asian families, motherhood comes with an implicit social contract: If you sacrifice enough, you will be respected and protected. Motherhood is often bound to identity, moral worth and social standing, and divorce breaks these cultural scripts. Healing will look like allowing yourself to mourn the cultural myth you were sold, decoupling your worth from your daughters’ recognition, and slowly transitioning from “super mom” to a woman with kids and a life outside them. When you say “I wish I had never had kids,” your grief over what motherhood has cost you is palpable. Work on rebuilding an identity beyond motherhood through relationships where care flows both ways, hobbies and interests outside of family, and support from people who truly see you. Your task now is not to prove that you were a good mother; that’s not going to improve your relation- ships. It is to honor yourself, regardless of what your children think, as a woman whose life, dignity and future matter. Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy. -Special to TheWashington Post By Sahaj Kaur Kohli This Fun Hobby May Reduce Your Dementia Risk By 76 Percent W hat are the best ways to keep my brain sharp as I age? There are several science- based ways to lower your risk of dementia - but one especially fun option might surprise you: dancing. Dancing combines some of the best elements known to be associated with longevity: exercise, creativity, balance and social connection. You’re investing the same time as walking or other exercise activities but may be getting much more out of it. In fact, one study found that people who danced frequently (more than once a week) had a 76 percent lower risk of dementia than those who did so rarely. In the early 1980s, a group of research- ers at Albert Einstein College of Medicine set out to better understand the aging brain by recruiting almost 500 men and women ages 75 to 85 living in the Bronx. Each person underwent neuropsychologi- cal tests and responded to questionnaires about their health and lifestyle. Then, over the next couple of decades, the research- ers tracked the people’s cognition. Perhaps not surprisingly, the scientists found that, for every cognitively challeng- ing activity performed one day a week, there was an associated 7 percent reduc- tion in dementia risk. The more often people tested their brains - such as with board games or crossword puzzles - the less likely they were to develop Alzheim- er’s or vascular dementia. But when it came to physical activity, one hobby stood out above the others after controlling for other lifestyle and health factors: dancing. The researchers, who published their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine in 2003, concluded that physical activities such as swimming and walking also trended in the right direction but that their results were not as profound as those associated with dancing. (Because people in the early stages of dementia may cut back on activities like dancing, the study was designed with a long period of obser- vation to correct for this.) Physical activity, especially aerobic exercise, in general is wonderful for our brain health. And this isn’t intended to knock walking: A small randomized controlled trial of walking versus ballroom dancing among older adults found both activities benefited memory and learning. But combining physical activity with creativity and cognitive challenges may help protect the brain further. Dancing asks your brain to do several things at once: match a rhythm, remember steps (or quickly improvise some new ones), navigate space and perhaps even respond to a partner. While more studies are needed, the data suggest that this degree of cognitive multitasking gives your brain the right kind of workout. DANCING MAY ALSO BOOST BALANCE AND STRENGTH Dancing is simply music-based move- ment - ideally of a kind that makes you feel good and involves the company of others. And it can truly be for almost everyone. In my own clinic, we recom- mend dancing as therapy for patients with movement disorders like Parkinson’s disease. Even among people who already have dementia, limited studies indicate regular dancing boosts cognitive scores. Besides brain health, there are other great reasons to consider shaking a hip. A 2020 meta-analysis of 29 randomized trials among healthy older adults found that social dance-based activities were associated with a 37 percent reduced risk of falling - as well as improvements in bal- ance and lower body strength. 3 SIMPLE WAYS YOU CAN BECOME A DANCER --Try something new to find what’s right for you: You might learn that this whole time you thought you had two left feet was simply because you were born to salsa and not Charleston. --Look for online dance classes: While many community centers offer dance classes specifically for older adults (often free), I know that dance classes suited to your interests and needs are not always easily available nearby. The world of online dance classes blossomed over the pandemic, and, personally, I cannot get enough. Where else would I have found my true calling - modern Bollywood dance classes - but online? There are also several classes on YouTube tailored to pos- sible physical limitations and needs. (As always, check with your physician before starting a new exercise routine.) --Don’t write off video games: And, of course, let’s not forget video games about dancing (who else was a star at “Dance Dance Revolution?”). Similar games have actually been studied among older adults and found to improve executive function, with effects lasting as long as a year. JUST PLAIN MUSIC CAN HELP, TOO Even if you’re not up for dancing, there’s still power in playing your favorite tunes: A large population study published recently found that just listening to music most days was linked to a decrease in dementia risk. Music can evoke memory and emo- tions, but certain kinds of it can also offer a distinctly enjoyable challenge to the brain. As you listen to music, your brain is constantly evaluating its predictions regarding what comes next: Will the next note and beat be the one you’re anticipat- ing? A potent driver of the urge to groove is syncopation. When music is syncopated - meaning, you expect to hear a loud beat in line with the rhythm, but instead it’s weak, or there’s a quick pulse of silence - it challenges our brain’s expectations. Think “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones or “Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars. Syncopation creates an exciting sense of “push and pull” in the music. Humans perceive songs with a healthy dose of syncopations as more pleasurable. Stud- ies have found that those syncopations strongly compel us to bust a move, com- pleting that gap our brain is craving to fill.. WHAT I WANT MY PATIENTS TO KNOW There’s no magic bullet to prevent de- mentia. Cognitive changes are the result of several factors converging in our brains - our genetics, lifestyle, stress, diets and en- vironmental exposures. Walking and other forms of physical activity can help boost your brain health, but doing so shouldn’t feel like a chore. Cognitive strength can also grow out of many activities that give us great joy - moving to music you truly love, sharing space with someone else’s company, and trying something new with- out worrying how you look doing it. Trisha Pasricha is an instructor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. -Special to TheWashington Post By Trisha Pasricha, MD, MPH